Sochi 2014: On Your Knees, Russia!

images-5Applause to Jake O’Donnell, whose headline about Olympic fashion on is the indisputable champion of all XXII Olympic Winter Games headlines to date:

“Our Olympic Athletes Will Look Good as Hell in Sochi Because We’re America and Suck It Russia.”

There is a certain verve to Mr. O’Donnell’s “Suck It” addendum, which clearly establishes the hierarchy of the world’s greatest superpowers, according to Olympic fashion.  Mr. O’Donnell’s foray into the politics of style is a quintessentially American investigation.  His title and his treatise blatantly summon such classic American imagery as the Statue of Liberty, glorious, waving banners of red, white, and blue, and, of course, casual-bourgeois style.  However, one probably shouldn’t inform Mr. O’Donnell that such imagery also recalls the French Open.

Even so, we must reward Mr. O’Donnell with applause, because the political rift between the U.S. and Russia will not be played out in concerns over Olympic security in the wake of two terrorist bombings in Volgograd, through President Obama’s notable absence from the event, or by placing openly gay athletes on the American Presidential Delegation to Sochi in order to publicly contest Russia’s steadfast intolerance, but rather, as Mr. O’Donnell so astutely notes, fashion.

Yes, in the end, Ralph Lauren will throw down a Team USA Go for the Gold mitten and hand Russia a most embarrassing defeat.  Truly, as our U.S. athletes parade about in their inflammatory knit reindeer sweaters, deviously matching mittens and scarves, and powerfully tailored peacoats, all of Russia will be reduced to a mass of spineless twits, cowering under the great flag of America, which, incidently is available in fine form on the knit crewneck sweater and also, on a rather cozy fleece pullover.

Indeed, we simply must put our hands together for Mr. O’Donnell, this writer on the cutting edge of journalism, who brings us a wonderfully American headline, a unique paradox invoking the biblical power of brimstone and hellfire, and which also calls for the whole of Russia to perform fellatio on the U.S.  Not many, aside from the creators of South Park, could meaningfully combine the power of Lucifer with blowjobs.  So, we must praise the praiseworthy and give credit where credit is due.  Our hats go off to you, Jake O’Donnell, you champion writing about champions, for making America even more American.